It’s sincerely no news how my generation of runs their things in such a manner as often finally leads to ruin. Amongst a long list of mistakes we make while in relationships in school, I choose in this first article to discuss the one I consider the biggest and most dangerous. While in school, we meet friends from different backgrounds. In the long run, we forget where we are coming from. Most of us end up dating a large number of partners, while some stick to one and become the ‘wife’. The aura that envelops us is such that those of us who choose to abstain and face only our studies and other interests are made to look the queer. The question,‘who are you dating?’becomes a far more common question than ‘what are you studying?’ We learn not to say we do not wish to date, hiding rather under the cover that our ‘dates’ are in other schools. Everything is deployed to persuade a girl that she needs to date. Friends, internet, books, films, television shows and …even church! Yes, church. With the number of programmes being organized weekly on ‘relationships’. At a point, you begin to wonder if indeed you are not queer. And then to cap it all, at the end of the year, during school or department programmes, awards are given to the ‘best couples’. Right under the watch of lecturers and the rest of the departments!
The question is ” Why are we in a rush?”. We surrender to the mindset of wanting to have a journey of 20 years completed in two days. C’mon things don’t have to be that way. Let’s take our little to time to analyse how these things work.
It’s just a game.
Just in case you don’t know, dating in school is a game and it becomes all the more interesting when the girl moves into the guy’s house while in school. The fact that a few of these relationships survive the hurdles and continue for a while longer or end in marriage does not change anything. It is a game. To most boys, dating is like football game. They are either playing home or away. They always have the mindset of winning. Even when a girl moves into a boy’s house, she becomes the home game and away games will still happen, even in the same hostel. When a girl allows a boy to move into her house, her house becomes a home game and his house is another home and he can add away to it.
Ladies will think like ladies, seeking security, love, warmth, a shoulder and a desire to show her friends that she is ok. Most ladies don’t think like guys and we end up losing. This is it; you start by spending time with him, then a few nights in his house. You cook, wash, clean, do assignments where you can and cater. At night, whatever happens is history. Naturally, this kind of situation builds a great ‘mirage’ of bond in the girl’s head. He even begins to look after his friends who acknowledge her in school and treat her specially. Hello Sweetheart, that’s not it. You are just a pawn and he’s playing a game. First is that he has found someone to do his chores and serve his desires. Then one day, you finally move in. Now, you cook whenever he wants you to and you do whatever he wants, playing wife when you are not anywhere near that. Your singular most urgent prayer is that your parents do not come unannounced one day and see the mess you are making of their efforts. You become extra careful not to offend him and some even go to the extent of financing the affair. It’s your food, your rent, your transport fare and you even buy him drinks and clothes and it won’t be long before you start churning out ingenious ways of swindling your family for money. Most of us tend to forget where we are coming from and endanger the pride we carry in us as women. We just follow the trend because that’s what we see on our T. V screen and that is what our immediate society dictates and approves as being appropriate.
This reminds me of a very smart guy I knew while in the College of Education. He was so ahead in his game because his girlfriend was trying to act smart, keeping him close and away from other girls. He moved into the girl’s house, as she wanted, which is unlike the trend we are familiar with, but he cheated on her every day. He would take the girls to his own house which the girl was unaware that he retained. The whole situation dawned on her when the guy ended up impregnating some other girl and dumped her and moved on and abandoned her after two abortions. Stories like this abound.
Some girls are plain stupid. There was also one who forced himself so much on a boy that she moved in and practically ran his life. On his birthday, she held a party for him despite his protestations, and sat in an exalted seat as the ‘olori’. Soon after, it was time for exams and the boy discovered she had spent her fees on the party. Her calculations were that some money would come by but this did not happen. During the first exam, she stood outside while the boy sat inside writing the exam. News filtered to a lecturer who was quite miffed with what she heard. The lecturer went into the exam room and confronted the boy. The young man knelt on both knees and lifted both hands in supplication. What he explained sounded like this:
“Ma, I know my boundaries and I don’t ever cross them. I asked her when she was forcing the party on me but she said it was not her fees. She told me not to worry and so we had the party. Now I am confused but I have to do what my parents sent me here for. I have been considering finding an extra booklet somehow and writing for her but I am too afraid to try that.”
The other thing I want to say about school dating is that we lose.
Just like every game, someone loses and someone wins. Now, in a dating game who’s more likely to lose? During the whole time the highest a guy can give out is his money, room, time and bed, most of which are things he already has and also shares. I have seen girls give up their classes because their boyfriends told them he wants to see them. I have also seen girls miss tests, travel away from school, willingly give their tuition fees all because she wants to prove her love to her man. There’s a particular girl I met recently, who was in her second year when her boyfriend ‘begged’ her to lend him her school fees so he could get a new phone and she gave him the money. Guess she did that out of ‘love’ but we both know it was not really love, she’s just gullible. Even if it was love from her part, what kind of love makes a guy take his girlfriend’s tuition to buy a phone?
Awwwwuu! Am I sounding harsh? Well, the result now is the girl is proudly a drop-out and ‘our sharp guy’ is still in school attending classes and of course, he got himself a prettier girl. Don’t be judgemental about this, the girl really toyed with her future and she got the result. Remember she had the option of saying NO but she never did. I beg of you girls, WAKE UP, take this as a wake-up call. If he isn’t married to you, anything can still GO WRONG. Far more things can go wrong than can go right.
Most girls tend to forget that the female body easily gets worn out, and before you know it, guys will look down at you and say “she has been used”. Even the same set of guys that contributed to the whole ‘thing’ will spit the same sentence. Always remember, No matter what happens, it’s always going to be about you and no one else, because it’s your life and not his. Let’s not forget we are in a society where accusations are directed to women, no matter what happens. The God of a second chance is a man’s God. A girl with a child and no husband has no sympathy from society, even from the family of the boy who impregnated her. A divorcee carries all manners of social stigma and except she is strong and independent, life is misery. You decide to punish the man and keep the child away from him, once the child is grown, he/she will yearn for that father than has been missing.
I know you are yearning to prove me wrong and tell me exceptions. If you build your future on exceptions, I will be here to write about you. Meantime, I challenge you to write a rejoinder. EduDigest assures that it will be published.
Meantime, young woman, get some sense!
Oni-Sanchez May is a distinctive blogger, she holds an NCE in English and is currently an undergraduate student of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. She owns www.smb.com.ng