8 Signs She’s Your Future Ex-Wife
On the surface she may seem perfect for you — but dig a little deeper and you’ll find that’s definitely not the case. That instant physical attraction isn’t enough to sustain a long-lasting relationship.
Below, experts share eight signs your Mr. or Ms. Right is all wrong for you.
1. They roll their eyes at you.
Who has time for eye rolling — or any other contemptuous behavior — at this point in the relationship? If they’re doing it now, in public or in private, it’s only going to get worse later on, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love.
“In effect, a partner who behaves this way is being both disrespectful and disloyal,” she said. “If your partner is annoyed with you, then looks to whoever else is in the room with a knowing glance to imply that you’re being ridiculous, he’s allying himself with the wrong person. Loyalty should lie first and foremost with each other, even when imperfections surface.”
2. They’re withdrawn from the start.
Playing hard to get works if you’re in the tenth grade. Otherwise, you need someone who’s upfront about their feelings and won’t run for the hills when the relationship becomes a little more complicated, said Virginia Gilbert, a marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles.
“Does she vanish into the ether when you have a personal problem? Does he sulk and storm out of the room when you try to resolve a squabble? If so, then you’re with the wrong person,” she told HuffPost. “Chasing after someone who’s emotionally unavailable will just make the other person feel smothered — and withdraw further — while you seethe with resentment.”
In the end, it’s “better to save yourself decades of futility and move on to someone who’s capable of genuine intimacy,” Gilbert said.
3. They’re too dependent.
It’s natural to want to spend every waking hour together in the beginning — but if you want to keep things interesting and fresh, you need to have separate lives and identities, said Kristin Davin, a New York City-based psychologist.
“This becomes an issue when there is no space to do individual things, especially if the partner who wants to be together all the time feels threatened by the desire from the other for time alone or with friends,” she said. “It wears on people and starts to become suffocating and unhealthy.”
4. They’re attached to their cell phone.
It may not be as bad as physically cheating, but choosing your smartphone over your partner is a form of cheating, said Marina Sbrochi, the author of Stop Looking for a Husband: Find the Love of Your Life. (Plus, at this point in the relationship, you should be ten times more interesting than whatever app they’re thumbing through.)
“What’s missing is their presence,” she said. “It’s as if you can see your partner, but they don’t see you and you aren’t interacting with them. You’ll spend your time waiting for your partner to give up the phone but they can’t. Not good.”
5. They aren’t straight with you about their plans for the future.
The two of you should feel comfortable discussing the important questions in a relationship: If and how you’ll raise the kids; how involved your families will be in your lives; your idea of budgeting. If your S.O. gets fidgety whenever you bring up the future, you may be in for a world of surprises as your connection deepens, Sborchi said.
“You may be in for a gut smack,” she said. “Don’t miss the clues along the way and end up with someone that ‘finds’ themselves later on.”
6. They play the victim.
Walk, don’t run, if your new boo has a long list of grievances against everyone they’ve ever dated or been in a relationship with, Gilbert said.
“It’s worrisome if all his exes were ‘crazy’ or everyone close to him has let him down,” she said. “If the person with whom you hope to spend the rest of your life blames all their problems on other people or circumstances, guess what’s in store for you? An apocalyptic divorce and custody battle. Save yourself a lifetime of chaos and find someone who’s a responsible adult.”
7. They’re not on the same page as you financially.
If you can’t get it together financially, there’s a good chance that you’re not going to be together in the long run, Davin said. Studies have shown that financial problems are a main contributor to divorce.
“If not addressed, things like overspending or financial debts can significantly impact the sustainability of the marriage,” she said. “People do think about their money differently; it’s not so much the differences but how they are managed, handled and talked about (or not) that makes it a game changer.”
8. They stonewall you.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction or argument, closing themselves off to what the other has to say. If your S.O. walks away when you ask them to put the dishes away or go to a family get-together, expect more of the same later on, Berger said.
“While men and women stonewall, men are more likely to do it than women because men are more likely to feel overwhelmed by emotions and want to escape,” she said. “If this issue continues to go unaddressed, the stonewalled partner will become increasingly frustrated and too resentful to remain in the marriage.”